President Bush looked right into the camera and said '20,000 Us troops are coming home this year'.
Oh, wait, the whole credibility thing. We'll see I guess
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
The underrated fighting abilities of Koalas
A while ago, amidst heavy drinking and the use of... other intoxicants, a wise man named Colin asked the group "Who would win in a fight between a Koala and a panda" and everyone agreed instantaneously that Pandas would because they're much bigger.
'But no' Colin said 'Koalas live in trees. Whats stopping them from ambushing the slower moving Panda by leaping on them from a tree and blinding them with those distinctive Koala claws?'
After a good laugh, we moved on to other subjects and that particular exchange was lost in time.
Until now. I got out of bed to write this because I can't stop laughing.
'You freak!' People are thinking. 'Haven't you anything better to write about? What the hell is wrong with you? Already get a hold of some of that peyote?'
Think what you want. Look at this picture and tell me this entry isn't funny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Koala_climbing_tree.jpg
'But no' Colin said 'Koalas live in trees. Whats stopping them from ambushing the slower moving Panda by leaping on them from a tree and blinding them with those distinctive Koala claws?'
After a good laugh, we moved on to other subjects and that particular exchange was lost in time.
Until now. I got out of bed to write this because I can't stop laughing.
'You freak!' People are thinking. 'Haven't you anything better to write about? What the hell is wrong with you? Already get a hold of some of that peyote?'
Think what you want. Look at this picture and tell me this entry isn't funny
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Koala_climbing_tree.jpg
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
America through the eyes of a low level retail employee.
I enjoy my job at Best Buy. I deal with all sorts of people, and once in a while I even get the thrill of catching someone stealing or doing other malevolent acts which require me to deal with them.
But a lot of the time, people are unfriendly.
I work right inside the front door as loss prevention. I prevent, among other things, loss. I stare at a camera all day and try to catch little bastards stealing. I've caught quite a few in the act, someone times even preempting them and kicking them out before they can say 'I need discipline sir!'.
Down here in Yuma there is nothing for these kids to do. Girls get pregnant in their teens, and boys go to jail for shoplifting, grand theft auto and gang related activity. We have a list of over 30 people who are banned from the mall here, and only one of them is over the age of 18.
Last week I caught some guy in his 20's stealing a cd. It was in the middle of the afternoon and he was standing right under the camera tearing the wrapper off in the open. We apprehended him. Turns out he was illegal. On his way out in handcuffs he looked at me with a grin that said 'i may be deported today, I will be back in a week.' Sadly, this is probably true. Not a day goes by I see people on their way back to Mexico, unwillingly.
Also last week I watched a 10 year old tear open a dvd, Girl Next Door. Something spooked him and he put the dvd down and peaced. I found him, and asked me to take him to his parents. He found his dad. I explained to the dad he was trying to steal and that he needed to leave. We had it on camera and several employees witnessed it. An hour later his dad came back, demanding to see the tape. I showed it to him. He said to me 'my son is not stealing', while in fact on the tape he was. Blatantly and obviously. He ends up going to the aisle his bastard kid was stealing in, and starts dropping dvds on the floor looking for the one. I tell him to get lost amid his shouts that his kids was not stealing. Make more excuses for the little bastard why don't you.
There are also a lot of old people down here, snow birds we call them. They swarm the area in winter, escaping the icy grasp of the northern regions. They flock to Best Buy every day in massive droves. A lot of them are nice and patient and are willing to listen to you and learn how what they bought works.
A lot of them are from different countries. I've had to speak German to people who don't speak very good English, which is fun because I never thought I'd use German outside of high school. They also come from Britain, Canada, Holland, Australia and Japan.
Some old people though, are plain morons. They come in, scream at me, go scream at someone else and on the way out scream some more. I would like to one of these days inform them that I have several years ahead of me, while they will probably die in the next few months. I have had products thrown at me, sworn at in several different languages and threatened over sale prices or the lack thereof. I work security, I say, I have no idea how the sales floor works. This does not placate them. How I would love to snap their necks...
We do not have the Wii. No one does, and there is nothing I can do. I had one old lady tell me that I should 'burn in hell for ruining her kids Christmas.' It should be noted that this was preceded by 'Have a great holiday! Thanks for coming to Best Buy!'
Then there are the Mexicans who come in and speak Spanish to me like I understand it. I do not, and am currently learning. Even after I say 'no comprende, no habla espanol' they continue to talk and sometimes yell in this strange language at which I smile and think to myself 'I have a social security number, and you do not.'
The one thing that sticks in my mind is the old guy who tried to return his TV. We could not because we didn't sell that brand, and never have. He yelled, called names and, hiliariously, sat on the ground and refused to move, even upon the threat of having security. He called me 'little boy' among other things, to which I replied 'Sir, when I was four years old I too threw fits when I didn't get what I wanted.'
So, I could go on and on about the things i see and deal with everyday, but I might need it for when I have no content for a blog somewhere on down the road. All I say to all of you impatient and volatile shoppers: Fine. Go to Circuit City.
But a lot of the time, people are unfriendly.
I work right inside the front door as loss prevention. I prevent, among other things, loss. I stare at a camera all day and try to catch little bastards stealing. I've caught quite a few in the act, someone times even preempting them and kicking them out before they can say 'I need discipline sir!'.
Down here in Yuma there is nothing for these kids to do. Girls get pregnant in their teens, and boys go to jail for shoplifting, grand theft auto and gang related activity. We have a list of over 30 people who are banned from the mall here, and only one of them is over the age of 18.
Last week I caught some guy in his 20's stealing a cd. It was in the middle of the afternoon and he was standing right under the camera tearing the wrapper off in the open. We apprehended him. Turns out he was illegal. On his way out in handcuffs he looked at me with a grin that said 'i may be deported today, I will be back in a week.' Sadly, this is probably true. Not a day goes by I see people on their way back to Mexico, unwillingly.
Also last week I watched a 10 year old tear open a dvd, Girl Next Door. Something spooked him and he put the dvd down and peaced. I found him, and asked me to take him to his parents. He found his dad. I explained to the dad he was trying to steal and that he needed to leave. We had it on camera and several employees witnessed it. An hour later his dad came back, demanding to see the tape. I showed it to him. He said to me 'my son is not stealing', while in fact on the tape he was. Blatantly and obviously. He ends up going to the aisle his bastard kid was stealing in, and starts dropping dvds on the floor looking for the one. I tell him to get lost amid his shouts that his kids was not stealing. Make more excuses for the little bastard why don't you.
There are also a lot of old people down here, snow birds we call them. They swarm the area in winter, escaping the icy grasp of the northern regions. They flock to Best Buy every day in massive droves. A lot of them are nice and patient and are willing to listen to you and learn how what they bought works.
A lot of them are from different countries. I've had to speak German to people who don't speak very good English, which is fun because I never thought I'd use German outside of high school. They also come from Britain, Canada, Holland, Australia and Japan.
Some old people though, are plain morons. They come in, scream at me, go scream at someone else and on the way out scream some more. I would like to one of these days inform them that I have several years ahead of me, while they will probably die in the next few months. I have had products thrown at me, sworn at in several different languages and threatened over sale prices or the lack thereof. I work security, I say, I have no idea how the sales floor works. This does not placate them. How I would love to snap their necks...
We do not have the Wii. No one does, and there is nothing I can do. I had one old lady tell me that I should 'burn in hell for ruining her kids Christmas.' It should be noted that this was preceded by 'Have a great holiday! Thanks for coming to Best Buy!'
Then there are the Mexicans who come in and speak Spanish to me like I understand it. I do not, and am currently learning. Even after I say 'no comprende, no habla espanol' they continue to talk and sometimes yell in this strange language at which I smile and think to myself 'I have a social security number, and you do not.'
The one thing that sticks in my mind is the old guy who tried to return his TV. We could not because we didn't sell that brand, and never have. He yelled, called names and, hiliariously, sat on the ground and refused to move, even upon the threat of having security. He called me 'little boy' among other things, to which I replied 'Sir, when I was four years old I too threw fits when I didn't get what I wanted.'
So, I could go on and on about the things i see and deal with everyday, but I might need it for when I have no content for a blog somewhere on down the road. All I say to all of you impatient and volatile shoppers: Fine. Go to Circuit City.
How I got banned from the car dealership
I've always been aware of the stereotypical car dealer, usually portrayed by fictionalized media as sharkish characters with a standout gold tooth which goes 'ding' at the moment of swindle.
Like most cartoons, I grew out of believing them, but now I'm not sure what to believe, because I have been played by a car salesmen.
So I move to Arizona, and the first thing I find out is that everything is far away from each other and the public transportation is reminiscent of a third world country; extremely unreliable, unsafe, and no one else speaks English. So my wife and I set out to buy a car.
We decided on a 2003 Saturn L series, a great car. We were quoted a down payment and monthly payments. We agreed. He returns, saying he was going to have to raise our monthly payments a few dollars. No problem, we said.
After WE SIGNED THE CONTRACT. He calls several days later stating they have to raise my monthly payment more.
To make matters worse we have still not received our license plate. A month after we bought the car, we got a letter in the mail saying that before we get our plates, we have to have the vin number inspected. So great, not only do they keep changing the contract on us, they're not even sure that the car they sold us is legit. It came from out of state, they said, and we have to inspect it. Well, don't you think you should have done that before you sold us the fucking car?
So I get up at 7 am, a time which to me does not exist, and like every other time I have to wake up before 1 in the afternoon I am surly and pugnacious. I drive down there where some Mexican bimbo who has trouble with English inspects my vehicle and informs me my paper license has expired, and would I like a new one.
'Yes, I am aware the temp is expired, I should have gotten my plates three weeks ago' I said, still at this point civil.
'Well, we can't do anything after 45 days, homes.' no, the homes part was not actually said in real life.
'Take another look, cause I ain't even been down here for 45 days' There I go, reverting into the stereotypical American redneck.
'Well, we can't give you a plate until 2 this afternoon. Come back then'
'I really don't want a ticket, explain to me again why I haven't gotten my plates yet?'
'Well, don't speed and you won't get a ticket'
'WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!! I COME HERE, BUY A CAR FROM YOU GUYS AND YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME MY FUCKING PLATES THAT I PAID FOR THEN YOU TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE WHEN I ASK WHY' When I get this mad I forget everything after 10 seconds, except for that I yelled and probably hurled a few derogatory comments around before storming out.
All they had to say??? 'Since the car is in your wifes name we ask that she conducts all further business with us and that we don't see you here again.'
To which I replied 'No habla Ingles'
Like most cartoons, I grew out of believing them, but now I'm not sure what to believe, because I have been played by a car salesmen.
So I move to Arizona, and the first thing I find out is that everything is far away from each other and the public transportation is reminiscent of a third world country; extremely unreliable, unsafe, and no one else speaks English. So my wife and I set out to buy a car.
We decided on a 2003 Saturn L series, a great car. We were quoted a down payment and monthly payments. We agreed. He returns, saying he was going to have to raise our monthly payments a few dollars. No problem, we said.
After WE SIGNED THE CONTRACT. He calls several days later stating they have to raise my monthly payment more.
To make matters worse we have still not received our license plate. A month after we bought the car, we got a letter in the mail saying that before we get our plates, we have to have the vin number inspected. So great, not only do they keep changing the contract on us, they're not even sure that the car they sold us is legit. It came from out of state, they said, and we have to inspect it. Well, don't you think you should have done that before you sold us the fucking car?
So I get up at 7 am, a time which to me does not exist, and like every other time I have to wake up before 1 in the afternoon I am surly and pugnacious. I drive down there where some Mexican bimbo who has trouble with English inspects my vehicle and informs me my paper license has expired, and would I like a new one.
'Yes, I am aware the temp is expired, I should have gotten my plates three weeks ago' I said, still at this point civil.
'Well, we can't do anything after 45 days, homes.' no, the homes part was not actually said in real life.
'Take another look, cause I ain't even been down here for 45 days' There I go, reverting into the stereotypical American redneck.
'Well, we can't give you a plate until 2 this afternoon. Come back then'
'I really don't want a ticket, explain to me again why I haven't gotten my plates yet?'
'Well, don't speed and you won't get a ticket'
'WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!! I COME HERE, BUY A CAR FROM YOU GUYS AND YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME MY FUCKING PLATES THAT I PAID FOR THEN YOU TELL ME HOW TO DRIVE WHEN I ASK WHY' When I get this mad I forget everything after 10 seconds, except for that I yelled and probably hurled a few derogatory comments around before storming out.
All they had to say??? 'Since the car is in your wifes name we ask that she conducts all further business with us and that we don't see you here again.'
To which I replied 'No habla Ingles'
Monday, January 7, 2008
Why the hawks in congress need to back the fuck off
I've always had a very good talent of being able to notice similarities and draw parallels between things that happen now and things that happened in the past.
So Iran made a threatening maneuver in the strait of Hormuz this past week against US warships. This particular strait is exceptionally strategic; whoever controls it controls the vast majority of oil supplies in the world. Should Iran or anyone else seize control of it, theres a world of economic hurt for the west in store.
This is the second time Iran has toyed with coalition naval forces, the first was a British contingent being seized in contested waters in March. (Which was a serious blow to morale for a navy with outstanding traditions and history such as Britain's, considering the Iranians really made them look stupid)
Now the parallel I'm seeing dates back to Vietnam (this whole war reminds me of Vietnam, but I'm not getting into that right now) .
These nations, which can't match the technological superiority of the US, regularly employ brinkmanship tactics to elicit an response that will make the US look bad (hence our very strict rules of engagement). However, this tactic is not limited to unfriendly nations; Israel punked the British with the Exodus incident in 1948.
The British being seized slightly brings the Pueblo incident to mind. But forunately, the Iranians aren't as dickhead-ish as the North Koreans and the situation was resolved somewhat humanely, excepting the fact that Tehran broke the Geneva convention by parading the captives on TV.
Now this other thing with the US Navy is a little more scary, 5 Iranian vessels rushed 3 of our warships, radioing that they're going to blow us up. Our gunnery was trained and in the firing process when the vessels veered away, dropping boxes in the path of our task force causing them to take evasive action.
Tehran must be damn comfortable with our rules of engagement to pull a stunt like that off. They're obviously trying to provoke further hostility and make it look like we are the aggressor. It's not the wisest idea in the world to threaten a US warship.
Now this reminds me of the Gulf of Tonkin incident which preluded major escalation in the Vietnam conflict. Vietnamese torpedo boats supposedly attacked an intelligence gathering destroyer. The Gulf of Tonkin resolution was then passed giving president Johnson the green light to use military force in Vietnam without a declaration of war.
Evidence has since come to light that the attack may not have happened, or happened under very different circumstances and that the intelligence was faulty. Now that has a ring to it doesn't it?
But the major, and scary difference is that Tehran openly admitted to this, while Vietnam denied it. But still, faulty intelligence and shadowy skirmishes and an underlying political motive led to the senseless Vietnam war, as well as the war in Iraq. Is Washington really trying to call Iran out right now? History does repeat itself.
So we have China developing technology that can bring our hugely advantageous satellites down, and they managed to surface a submarine in the middle of the Kitty Hawk carrier group. Which makes me ask how the hell did the Iranians get close enough to us to let this happen?
And let's pray, that China isn't close to finding a way to defeat our carriers and the vital air power they provide.
So instead of worrying about who we need to police, maybe we need to get out of where we don't belong, really reassess our situation and rebuild our military before we really get into trouble. Because we are really fucking up.
So Iran made a threatening maneuver in the strait of Hormuz this past week against US warships. This particular strait is exceptionally strategic; whoever controls it controls the vast majority of oil supplies in the world. Should Iran or anyone else seize control of it, theres a world of economic hurt for the west in store.
This is the second time Iran has toyed with coalition naval forces, the first was a British contingent being seized in contested waters in March. (Which was a serious blow to morale for a navy with outstanding traditions and history such as Britain's, considering the Iranians really made them look stupid)
Now the parallel I'm seeing dates back to Vietnam (this whole war reminds me of Vietnam, but I'm not getting into that right now) .
These nations, which can't match the technological superiority of the US, regularly employ brinkmanship tactics to elicit an response that will make the US look bad (hence our very strict rules of engagement). However, this tactic is not limited to unfriendly nations; Israel punked the British with the Exodus incident in 1948.
The British being seized slightly brings the Pueblo incident to mind. But forunately, the Iranians aren't as dickhead-ish as the North Koreans and the situation was resolved somewhat humanely, excepting the fact that Tehran broke the Geneva convention by parading the captives on TV.
Now this other thing with the US Navy is a little more scary, 5 Iranian vessels rushed 3 of our warships, radioing that they're going to blow us up. Our gunnery was trained and in the firing process when the vessels veered away, dropping boxes in the path of our task force causing them to take evasive action.
Tehran must be damn comfortable with our rules of engagement to pull a stunt like that off. They're obviously trying to provoke further hostility and make it look like we are the aggressor. It's not the wisest idea in the world to threaten a US warship.
Now this reminds me of the Gulf of Tonkin incident which preluded major escalation in the Vietnam conflict. Vietnamese torpedo boats supposedly attacked an intelligence gathering destroyer. The Gulf of Tonkin resolution was then passed giving president Johnson the green light to use military force in Vietnam without a declaration of war.
Evidence has since come to light that the attack may not have happened, or happened under very different circumstances and that the intelligence was faulty. Now that has a ring to it doesn't it?
But the major, and scary difference is that Tehran openly admitted to this, while Vietnam denied it. But still, faulty intelligence and shadowy skirmishes and an underlying political motive led to the senseless Vietnam war, as well as the war in Iraq. Is Washington really trying to call Iran out right now? History does repeat itself.
So we have China developing technology that can bring our hugely advantageous satellites down, and they managed to surface a submarine in the middle of the Kitty Hawk carrier group. Which makes me ask how the hell did the Iranians get close enough to us to let this happen?
And let's pray, that China isn't close to finding a way to defeat our carriers and the vital air power they provide.
So instead of worrying about who we need to police, maybe we need to get out of where we don't belong, really reassess our situation and rebuild our military before we really get into trouble. Because we are really fucking up.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
In sickness and in health... sometimes.
Recently, I have entered into holy matrimony. This is a very profound change for me, as I was deemed 'undomesticable'(yes I know its not a word) years ago by my mother. My new spouse has quite the challenge ahead of her.
She still hasn't acquiesced to my drinking, in fact, I don't think she ever will. I know this to be a fact because a few evenings ago, I went out to have 'one or two beers', and I was to be home 'in an hour or so' and 'not spend more than 10 dollars'.
I woke up the next morning in the recliner in the living room, with several empty tall boys scattered about, a black eye, Dishwalla set on reset on Itunes and my wife shaking me violently advising me that if I did not immediately get up, I would be late to work.
'To hell with work' I said 'Help me think of an excuse to get out of it.'
'Get your ass up and get dressed' She snarled, throwing my work clothes at me. 'If you want to go spend money drinking, you have to go make it. And give me my debit card back'
'In sickness and in health!' I protested.
'Hangovers don't count buster, and since I don't know WHY you got your ass kicked I'm inclined to think you brought it upon yourself as usual' She replied..... so calm and matter of fact it was eerie.
Three hours later at work, when I finally declared myself clean and sober, I philosophically asked myself if this was my catharsis. Are the days of passing out at 9 in the morning just to start drinking at noon over?
I decided to wait for another sign before I came to the conclusion that 'fun' was over and 'marriage' was just beginning.
I got it later that day when I came home from work. I came in, sat down and started playing World of Warcraft.
'I'm going to the store' She said. 'Please do the dishes'
'I can't, I have to go fight 'primitive owlbeasts' in the Hinterlands' I protested.
'The little owl-things can wait. It'll only take a few minutes then you can play your little game'.
Well, I considered my priorities and reorganized them as best as they suited me.
'Why aren't the dishes done?!'
And before I could answer, the usb cable was torn from my computer and I stared at a screen that said 'disconnected'.
Looks like I lost the battle of wills.
She still hasn't acquiesced to my drinking, in fact, I don't think she ever will. I know this to be a fact because a few evenings ago, I went out to have 'one or two beers', and I was to be home 'in an hour or so' and 'not spend more than 10 dollars'.
I woke up the next morning in the recliner in the living room, with several empty tall boys scattered about, a black eye, Dishwalla set on reset on Itunes and my wife shaking me violently advising me that if I did not immediately get up, I would be late to work.
'To hell with work' I said 'Help me think of an excuse to get out of it.'
'Get your ass up and get dressed' She snarled, throwing my work clothes at me. 'If you want to go spend money drinking, you have to go make it. And give me my debit card back'
'In sickness and in health!' I protested.
'Hangovers don't count buster, and since I don't know WHY you got your ass kicked I'm inclined to think you brought it upon yourself as usual' She replied..... so calm and matter of fact it was eerie.
Three hours later at work, when I finally declared myself clean and sober, I philosophically asked myself if this was my catharsis. Are the days of passing out at 9 in the morning just to start drinking at noon over?
I decided to wait for another sign before I came to the conclusion that 'fun' was over and 'marriage' was just beginning.
I got it later that day when I came home from work. I came in, sat down and started playing World of Warcraft.
'I'm going to the store' She said. 'Please do the dishes'
'I can't, I have to go fight 'primitive owlbeasts' in the Hinterlands' I protested.
'The little owl-things can wait. It'll only take a few minutes then you can play your little game'.
Well, I considered my priorities and reorganized them as best as they suited me.
'Why aren't the dishes done?!'
And before I could answer, the usb cable was torn from my computer and I stared at a screen that said 'disconnected'.
Looks like I lost the battle of wills.
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